1 00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:04,920 ♪ It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:04,989 --> 00:00:08,223 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:08,291 --> 00:00:11,910 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:11,979 --> 00:00:14,963 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:15,049 --> 00:00:18,317 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,385 --> 00:00:21,603 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:21,671 --> 00:00:23,349 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,373 --> 00:00:24,923 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:24,975 --> 00:00:29,978 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 10 00:00:35,402 --> 00:00:36,930 Oh, hey, there you are. Hey, listen, I got 11 00:00:36,954 --> 00:00:38,465 something really cool I want you to see. 12 00:00:38,489 --> 00:00:40,066 What is it? This. 13 00:00:40,090 --> 00:00:41,290 I found it in the yard. 14 00:00:41,325 --> 00:00:44,309 A tennis ball. That's very impressive, Brian. 15 00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:46,272 Yeah, but don't tell the other dogs in the neighborhood. 16 00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:47,373 They'll be jealous. 17 00:00:47,397 --> 00:00:48,964 You son of a bitch. 18 00:00:49,050 --> 00:00:50,159 And this is nothing. 19 00:00:50,183 --> 00:00:51,461 There's one tennis ball out there 20 00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:53,096 that's even cooler 'cause I peed on it. 21 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,487 Buried it years ago. I just can't remember where. 22 00:00:55,555 --> 00:00:57,000 I'd give anything to find it, though. 23 00:00:57,024 --> 00:00:59,202 Well, if you could recall exactly when you buried it, 24 00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:00,737 I suppose I could help you out. 25 00:01:00,761 --> 00:01:04,379 I remember the exact day. January 31, 1999. 26 00:01:04,448 --> 00:01:05,608 Very well, follow me, Brian. 27 00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:09,601 Watch out for Ernie. He's getting a CAT scan. 28 00:01:26,970 --> 00:01:29,588 Well, here we are. 29 00:01:29,657 --> 00:01:33,241 That's odd. It's our house, but somehow it looks a little different. 30 00:01:33,310 --> 00:01:35,105 Mom, my lips are too thin. 31 00:01:35,129 --> 00:01:36,857 Can I please get collagen injections? 32 00:01:36,881 --> 00:01:39,197 Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. 33 00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:42,568 You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image. 34 00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:44,586 Oh, my God, what's with Meg's voice? 35 00:01:44,655 --> 00:01:47,523 She sounds like someone who's about to give up a huge opportunity. 36 00:01:47,591 --> 00:01:49,068 That's nothing. Look at you. 37 00:01:49,092 --> 00:01:51,805 You look like a prize at some Mexican church carnival. 38 00:01:51,829 --> 00:01:54,869 Excellent. The mind-control device is nearing completion. 39 00:01:54,914 --> 00:01:56,532 I recall this day. 40 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:59,300 You know, I actually think this might be my first memory. 41 00:01:59,370 --> 00:02:01,870 Stewie, I said no toys at the table. 42 00:02:01,939 --> 00:02:03,139 Damn you, vile woman! 43 00:02:03,173 --> 00:02:04,784 You've impeded my work since the day 44 00:02:04,808 --> 00:02:06,636 I escaped from your wretched womb. 45 00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:08,410 Oh, don't pout, honey. 46 00:02:08,478 --> 00:02:10,078 You know, when you were born, 47 00:02:10,147 --> 00:02:13,448 the doctor said you were the happiest-looking baby he'd ever seen. 48 00:02:13,517 --> 00:02:15,884 But of course. That was my victory day. 49 00:02:15,952 --> 00:02:17,930 The fruition of my deeply laid plans 50 00:02:17,954 --> 00:02:20,789 to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille. 51 00:02:20,858 --> 00:02:22,190 Return the device, woman! 52 00:02:22,259 --> 00:02:24,304 Jesus. What, did you carry a thesaurus around with you? 53 00:02:24,328 --> 00:02:26,039 You know, it's amazing I could speak at all 54 00:02:26,063 --> 00:02:27,840 with that circumcision still healing. 55 00:02:27,864 --> 00:02:29,798 Hey, wait a minute, Stewie. That's the spot! 56 00:02:29,867 --> 00:02:31,777 That's where I buried my tennis ball! 57 00:02:31,801 --> 00:02:34,681 Whoa, whoa, Brian, what are you doing? You can't dig it up here. 58 00:02:34,705 --> 00:02:36,482 Just make a mental note of where you buried it, 59 00:02:36,506 --> 00:02:38,751 and as soon as we're back in the present, you can dig it up then. 60 00:02:38,775 --> 00:02:40,274 Why? 61 00:02:40,343 --> 00:02:42,472 Because we can't risk doing anything that alters the past. 62 00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:43,745 You know, I never got that. 63 00:02:43,814 --> 00:02:46,281 I mean, wouldn't you want to alter the past? 64 00:02:46,350 --> 00:02:48,650 I mean, you could make life better for yourself. 65 00:02:48,719 --> 00:02:52,437 And not just for yourself, for everyone. You could stop 9/11. 66 00:02:52,505 --> 00:02:55,034 Brian, there's one rule of time travel, and that is, 67 00:02:55,058 --> 00:02:56,736 do not alter the past in any way 68 00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,572 or the consequences could be dire. 69 00:02:58,596 --> 00:03:00,656 Yeah, where'd you hear that? Quantum Leap. 70 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,764 That guy changed the past all the time! 71 00:03:02,833 --> 00:03:04,033 Quick, Brian! Get down! 72 00:03:05,202 --> 00:03:07,242 Hey, Peter, my thing went off. Your thermostat okay? 73 00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:09,249 Yeah, it's all right. Hey, is my kid over here? 74 00:03:09,273 --> 00:03:10,473 Forget it. False alarm. 75 00:03:13,143 --> 00:03:14,893 Whoa, ass ahoy. 76 00:03:14,961 --> 00:03:17,507 Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. 77 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,641 What's the occasion? 78 00:03:18,665 --> 00:03:20,305 You know, I'm only telling you this now, 79 00:03:20,350 --> 00:03:22,617 but I didn't even know we had a dog then. 80 00:03:22,686 --> 00:03:25,953 Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird, creepy thing 81 00:03:26,022 --> 00:03:27,505 where it went over his nose. 82 00:03:27,574 --> 00:03:29,402 Come on, you're worrying about nothing. 83 00:03:29,426 --> 00:03:32,894 Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church? 84 00:03:32,962 --> 00:03:34,696 Ah! Ew! Gross! Look at that. 85 00:03:36,616 --> 00:03:38,283 Wait, what are they doing? 86 00:03:38,352 --> 00:03:40,752 I don't know. They're just standing there like zombies. 87 00:03:40,820 --> 00:03:42,198 Do you think they're all right? 88 00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:44,556 I'm not sure. 89 00:03:44,624 --> 00:03:47,676 And then there was that time at the ice cream store. 90 00:03:49,379 --> 00:03:50,840 They're doing it again. What the hell? 91 00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:52,464 I... I'm at a loss. 92 00:03:52,533 --> 00:03:54,511 I mean, I know we're not supposed to mess with the timeline, 93 00:03:54,535 --> 00:03:56,735 but should we call an ambulance? 94 00:03:57,387 --> 00:03:59,054 That is so creepy. 95 00:04:00,523 --> 00:04:02,035 And remember you had an Irish coffee 96 00:04:02,059 --> 00:04:04,809 the day we went to see Philadelphia? 97 00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:07,373 Oh. They're... They're setting up fucking cutaways. 98 00:04:07,397 --> 00:04:09,208 Oh, my God, is that what we did back then? 99 00:04:09,232 --> 00:04:11,494 Yeah, I mean, now, we just, like, return text messages 100 00:04:11,518 --> 00:04:13,135 and screw around and whatnot. 101 00:04:13,203 --> 00:04:15,219 Lois, I'm not going back to work tomorrow. 102 00:04:15,288 --> 00:04:16,955 That new boss has it in for me. 103 00:04:17,023 --> 00:04:18,757 He's meaner than a shifty salesman. 104 00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:28,110 You sure you got time to smoke? 105 00:04:28,134 --> 00:04:31,202 Oh, yeah, it's an Al Harrington. It goes on for a while. 106 00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,132 All right, look, we found out where your ball is buried. 107 00:04:33,156 --> 00:04:34,567 Now let's get back to our own time. 108 00:04:34,591 --> 00:04:36,057 Okay, get the return pad. Let's go. 109 00:04:36,125 --> 00:04:38,338 Not out here in the open. Someone could see us. 110 00:04:38,362 --> 00:04:40,211 Remember? No altering the timeline? 111 00:04:40,281 --> 00:04:42,041 Come on, let's get up to my room. 112 00:04:43,099 --> 00:04:44,660 Hey, wait a minute, Stewie, I got to take a leak. 113 00:04:44,684 --> 00:04:46,078 Will it screw up the timeline 114 00:04:46,102 --> 00:04:48,302 if my future pee goes in a past toilet? 115 00:04:48,371 --> 00:04:50,238 Uh, no, as long as it goes in the toilet. 116 00:04:50,306 --> 00:04:51,840 One splash on a magazine in there, 117 00:04:51,909 --> 00:04:53,549 and we're getting chased by dinosaurs. 118 00:04:56,196 --> 00:04:58,312 Huh. Looks more or less the same. 119 00:04:58,381 --> 00:05:02,017 Oh, my God, my Japanese children's books. I forgot about these. 120 00:05:02,085 --> 00:05:05,670 You Poop Now. Horton Hears a Suicide. 121 00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:08,640 The Little Engine That Will, Or Get Great Shame. 122 00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:11,638 Oh, there you are. All right, come on, Brian. Let's get out of here. 123 00:05:11,662 --> 00:05:12,938 Blast, that draggle-tailed, 124 00:05:12,962 --> 00:05:14,546 blunt-edged, matriarchal despot! 125 00:05:14,615 --> 00:05:16,281 Who the deuce does she think she is? 126 00:05:16,350 --> 00:05:17,566 Quick, Brian, hide! 127 00:05:19,403 --> 00:05:21,243 I shall cleverly disguise this lethal 128 00:05:21,271 --> 00:05:23,771 plasma disruptor device as a tuna fish sandwich, 129 00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:25,635 whereupon I shall end that wretched woman's 130 00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:27,739 Draconian reign of tyranny! 131 00:05:35,652 --> 00:05:37,152 Oh. Hey. 132 00:05:37,221 --> 00:05:38,436 Who the deuce are you? 133 00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:41,640 Uh, well, I'm, uh... I'm you. 134 00:05:41,708 --> 00:05:44,354 You look like me, but that's utterly impossible. 135 00:05:44,378 --> 00:05:46,894 I'm afraid it's true. I'm you from the future. 136 00:05:46,963 --> 00:05:48,074 I've traveled back in time. 137 00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:49,397 That's absurd. 138 00:05:49,466 --> 00:05:52,000 Look, I can prove to you that I'm you from the future. 139 00:05:52,068 --> 00:05:54,402 I know about the Eddie Bauer catalog. 140 00:05:54,471 --> 00:05:57,105 It is you! 141 00:05:57,191 --> 00:06:00,525 Okay, bye, Lois. I'm going to the stag party. 142 00:06:00,593 --> 00:06:03,593 Brian, you might as well come out now. He knows everything. 143 00:06:06,850 --> 00:06:07,850 Uh-oh. 144 00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:28,331 Brian, are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine. 145 00:06:28,355 --> 00:06:29,355 Where'd you get that? 146 00:06:29,423 --> 00:06:30,667 The Stewie from the past has 147 00:06:30,691 --> 00:06:32,301 a lot more gadgets and things than I do. 148 00:06:32,325 --> 00:06:33,770 I've kind of slacked off a little bit. 149 00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:35,834 How's the party? Oh, looks like fun. 150 00:06:35,863 --> 00:06:37,156 Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"? 151 00:06:37,180 --> 00:06:39,147 Right here. 152 00:06:39,216 --> 00:06:41,143 You win! All right! What do I win? 153 00:06:41,167 --> 00:06:42,400 Another beer! 154 00:06:42,469 --> 00:06:44,389 Okay, take a last look, 'cause we're out of here. 155 00:06:45,622 --> 00:06:47,238 Oh, look at that. 156 00:06:47,307 --> 00:06:50,303 There's the old gang we've gotten to know so well over the years. 157 00:06:52,813 --> 00:06:54,412 TV's not even plugged in. 158 00:07:00,637 --> 00:07:02,565 What is this? Where the hell are we? 159 00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:06,374 The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight. 160 00:07:06,442 --> 00:07:08,138 Stewie, what's going on? I don't know. 161 00:07:08,162 --> 00:07:09,372 For some reason, the time machine 162 00:07:09,396 --> 00:07:10,573 didn't take us back to the present. 163 00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:12,030 We're still in 1999. 164 00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:14,077 Wait a minute. I remember this. 165 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:16,421 I think I'm up in that blimp. 166 00:07:17,804 --> 00:07:19,571 Amazing. You can barely drive a car, 167 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:21,339 and yet you were allowed to fly a blimp? 168 00:07:21,408 --> 00:07:24,309 Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South. 169 00:07:24,378 --> 00:07:26,861 Oh, no wonder the return pad didn't take us all the way. 170 00:07:26,930 --> 00:07:28,308 The batteries are almost depleted. 171 00:07:28,332 --> 00:07:29,564 Are those D batteries? 172 00:07:29,633 --> 00:07:31,477 Yes, ever since we had that trouble in Germany, 173 00:07:31,501 --> 00:07:33,012 I found a way to convert it so it takes 174 00:07:33,036 --> 00:07:35,002 D batteries instead of uranium. 175 00:07:35,071 --> 00:07:37,906 Only problem is, I didn't bring any cash with me. Did you? 176 00:07:37,974 --> 00:07:40,334 I don't think that's gonna be a problem. 177 00:07:41,511 --> 00:07:42,951 Oh, my God! Quick, grab some money! 178 00:07:45,031 --> 00:07:46,998 You... You have pockets? 179 00:07:47,066 --> 00:07:49,367 Are you putting that in pockets? That's so cute. 180 00:07:53,489 --> 00:07:55,518 The crowd is storming the field. 181 00:07:55,542 --> 00:07:56,991 This is pandemonium. 182 00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:11,756 Quick, Brian, get on! 183 00:08:17,547 --> 00:08:19,013 Whoa, crash ahoy. 184 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:24,385 Oh, God! Now where are we? 185 00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:30,920 Well, you know, I figured the sooner I cashed the check, 186 00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:34,040 the sooner they'd catch their mistake. 187 00:08:34,064 --> 00:08:36,464 Look, why are we making a federal case out of this? 188 00:08:36,532 --> 00:08:39,678 Oh, man, this is the day Peter went to court for his welfare fraud. 189 00:08:42,806 --> 00:08:43,905 Hey. 190 00:08:43,974 --> 00:08:45,306 Huh? Oh, hey. 191 00:08:45,374 --> 00:08:47,491 You're the Kool-Aid guy. Yeah. 192 00:08:47,561 --> 00:08:49,401 What are you doing? Just waiting. 193 00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:50,995 For what? 194 00:08:51,064 --> 00:08:52,609 I'm just waiting, dude. Relax. 195 00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:54,811 Hey, is there any place around here that sells batteries? 196 00:08:54,835 --> 00:08:57,514 Guys, don't distract me, all right? I gotta really be up. 197 00:08:57,538 --> 00:09:00,583 Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. 198 00:09:00,607 --> 00:09:02,888 I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison! 199 00:09:03,326 --> 00:09:04,570 Oh, no. Oh, no. 200 00:09:04,594 --> 00:09:06,274 Oh, no! Oh, no! 201 00:09:08,564 --> 00:09:10,124 So there's no organs or glands 202 00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:11,694 or anything, right? It's just the liquid? 203 00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:13,396 Yeah. Yeah, it's just the liquid. 204 00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:17,722 Um, I don't know if this is a weird question, but can I have some? 205 00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,101 All right, fine. Tilt your head back, 206 00:09:19,125 --> 00:09:21,203 and I'll lean my liquid down into your mouth. 207 00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:22,460 Oh, now I don't want it. 208 00:09:22,529 --> 00:09:23,828 Oh, crap! Did I miss it? 209 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:27,248 Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times, 210 00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:30,301 he may even be downright, well, stupid, 211 00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:34,222 but I know he only accepted that money because he... 212 00:09:34,291 --> 00:09:36,157 Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah! 213 00:09:46,870 --> 00:09:49,770 You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! 214 00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:52,740 Talking about my guts? Fucking me up? Fuck you! 215 00:09:58,865 --> 00:10:01,866 Okay, this is good. We got the D batteries. Let's get back to the present. 216 00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:03,217 All right, get on. 217 00:10:10,427 --> 00:10:11,570 We made it. 218 00:10:11,594 --> 00:10:13,060 Yeah, the Super Bowl was cool, 219 00:10:13,129 --> 00:10:16,064 but frankly, no Tommy Brady, no Stewie likey. 220 00:10:16,133 --> 00:10:17,882 Brian, there you are! Come quick. 221 00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,985 They're about to announce the unveiling of your statue on the news. 222 00:10:21,038 --> 00:10:22,487 Statue? For what? 223 00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:24,606 What do you think, Mr. National Hero? 224 00:10:24,674 --> 00:10:28,425 For stopping the 9/11 terrorist attacks and saving our country. 225 00:10:28,494 --> 00:10:33,047 Oh, you! I can't even express how mad I am at you right now. 226 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,660 If it wasn't for you, those planes 227 00:10:34,684 --> 00:10:36,951 would've hit the World Trade Center. 228 00:10:37,020 --> 00:10:38,553 Brian, what the hell did you do? 229 00:10:38,621 --> 00:10:42,289 I, uh, may have told my former self about 9/11. 230 00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:44,392 What did I tell you about altering the past? 231 00:10:44,461 --> 00:10:46,055 Wait, wait, when did you even do that? 232 00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:48,223 Well, you remember when I said I was going to take a leak? 233 00:10:48,247 --> 00:10:49,675 Brian, you shouldn't have done that. 234 00:10:49,699 --> 00:10:52,333 Who knows what unforeseen consequences are awaiting us. 235 00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:54,152 Saddam Hussein could be President. 236 00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:56,532 Mexico could be the world's dominant super power. 237 00:10:56,556 --> 00:10:58,973 Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook! 238 00:10:59,042 --> 00:11:00,119 What is this? 239 00:11:00,143 --> 00:11:01,693 Cookiebook. 240 00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:03,828 Brian! Hurry, it's starting! 241 00:11:06,116 --> 00:11:07,276 Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. 242 00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:08,900 And I'm Joyce Kinney. 243 00:11:08,968 --> 00:11:11,381 Our top story, Quahog prepares to unveil a new statue 244 00:11:11,405 --> 00:11:13,604 commemorating perhaps its greatest hero ever. 245 00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,951 That's right, Tom. It was 10 years ago 246 00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:17,786 that an almost inconceivable plot 247 00:11:17,810 --> 00:11:19,522 to destroy the World Trade Center 248 00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:22,013 was thwarted by Quahog's own, Brian Griffin. 249 00:11:22,081 --> 00:11:24,466 This amateur video captured Griffin's heroism 250 00:11:24,534 --> 00:11:27,246 in the face of a shadowy terrorist organization called, 251 00:11:27,270 --> 00:11:32,506 holy shit, look at all those vowels, Al Qua-ay-ee-da. 252 00:11:32,575 --> 00:11:34,742 Here. Make sure you get all this. 253 00:11:37,047 --> 00:11:39,530 Time to terrorize the terrorists. 254 00:11:39,599 --> 00:11:42,149 Ugh. You prepared catchphrases for yourself? 255 00:11:42,218 --> 00:11:44,185 No. Not necessarily. 256 00:11:46,105 --> 00:11:48,456 Mohamed Atta stayed home. 257 00:11:48,524 --> 00:11:50,007 Nobody knows that guy's name yet. 258 00:11:50,076 --> 00:11:52,059 You're using information that nobody knows. 259 00:11:53,496 --> 00:11:55,963 Houston, we have a solution. 260 00:11:56,032 --> 00:11:58,883 Houston's for space, not everyday air travel. 261 00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:01,397 Tell them to ground every plane out of the East Coast. 262 00:12:01,421 --> 00:12:02,421 Seacrest out. 263 00:12:07,009 --> 00:12:08,926 Wow! What a hero. 264 00:12:08,995 --> 00:12:10,527 Coming up next in sports, 265 00:12:10,596 --> 00:12:13,965 Arizona Cardinal Pat Tillman tackled by his own team? 266 00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:16,016 Oh, Brian, we're so proud of you. 267 00:12:16,085 --> 00:12:18,698 Yeah, buddy. Great job stopping those terrorists. 268 00:12:18,722 --> 00:12:21,682 And thank God their follow-up attack on St. Louis was a bust. 269 00:12:23,526 --> 00:12:24,959 We missed! 270 00:12:25,028 --> 00:12:27,828 Brian, I promise you, all of this can only end badly. 271 00:12:27,897 --> 00:12:30,381 Stewie, it's fine. I prevented 9/11. 272 00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:32,550 How could that possibly be a bad thing? 273 00:12:32,619 --> 00:12:34,752 I mean, come on, I saved, like, 200 lives. 274 00:12:34,821 --> 00:12:36,955 3,000. Wow! 3,000? 275 00:12:37,023 --> 00:12:38,973 Oh, you knew what you were doing there. 276 00:12:39,042 --> 00:12:41,059 This major breaking news just in. 277 00:12:41,128 --> 00:12:42,810 Nine Southern states have declared 278 00:12:42,879 --> 00:12:44,891 that they are seceding from the United States. 279 00:12:44,915 --> 00:12:47,860 The announcement came from former President George W. Bush, 280 00:12:47,884 --> 00:12:49,562 who reformed the Confederacy 281 00:12:49,586 --> 00:12:52,586 after a bitter loss in his 2004 reelection bid. 282 00:12:52,672 --> 00:12:54,589 Bush lost in 2004? 283 00:12:54,658 --> 00:12:57,424 Yeah, he probably couldn't exploit people's fears with no 9/11. 284 00:12:57,510 --> 00:13:00,473 Bush appeared before the press today to make this brief statement. 285 00:13:00,497 --> 00:13:03,425 If anyone out there can get their hands on a clown's suitcase, 286 00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:06,117 I'd very much like to see what's inside of there. 287 00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:08,266 I think we have the wrong clip. 288 00:13:08,805 --> 00:13:10,305 What? No? 289 00:13:11,508 --> 00:13:13,419 It... This... Okay. 290 00:13:13,443 --> 00:13:16,622 That was George W. Bush declaring civil war on the Northern states. 291 00:13:16,646 --> 00:13:18,663 Oh, my God! Civil war? 292 00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:21,015 See, Brian? This is exactly what I was talking about. 293 00:13:21,084 --> 00:13:22,695 Look, Stewie, this doesn't necessarily 294 00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:24,564 mean things are going to turn out badly. 295 00:13:24,588 --> 00:13:26,398 In fact, I bet, five years from now, 296 00:13:26,422 --> 00:13:28,517 the world will still be better off for what I did. 297 00:13:28,541 --> 00:13:29,657 Is that so? 298 00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:31,537 Well, Brian, if you're that sure of yourself, 299 00:13:31,561 --> 00:13:34,762 then let's go five years into the future, and you can prove me wrong. 300 00:13:34,831 --> 00:13:35,871 Fine. 301 00:13:47,043 --> 00:13:51,078 Wow! This is the future? Everything looks slicker. 302 00:13:51,147 --> 00:13:53,042 Hey, Lois, I found some double-sided tape. 303 00:13:53,066 --> 00:13:55,477 I think I can do about seven minutes worth of funny stuff with it. 304 00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:57,935 That should get us to the Meg kissing booth story. 305 00:13:58,004 --> 00:14:00,604 Wow. Things have gotten kind of lazy, huh? 306 00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:03,874 Hey, Peter. Thanks for letting me borrow your screwdriver set. 307 00:14:03,943 --> 00:14:06,021 You know, I just want to say how nice it is 308 00:14:06,045 --> 00:14:08,679 to be back here with y'all on Spooner Street. 309 00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:10,964 Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. 310 00:14:11,050 --> 00:14:13,534 Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. 311 00:14:13,602 --> 00:14:14,852 Here's a cutaway. 312 00:14:14,921 --> 00:14:17,505 Matthew McConaughey is terrible. 313 00:14:17,574 --> 00:14:19,223 Good Lord! What's happened to us? 314 00:14:19,292 --> 00:14:20,936 Okay, maybe things seem a little off, 315 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:22,704 but other than that, the world seems okay. 316 00:14:22,728 --> 00:14:24,806 Which proves my point. Me stopping 9/11 317 00:14:24,830 --> 00:14:26,592 led to a world that's just fine. 318 00:14:26,616 --> 00:14:28,099 Well, I'll see y'all tomorrow. 319 00:14:36,625 --> 00:14:38,825 Brian, you might want to look outside. 320 00:14:39,345 --> 00:14:40,528 Oh, my God! 321 00:14:49,439 --> 00:14:51,016 Oh, oh! Pebble in my shoe! 322 00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:52,551 Pebble in my shoe. Pebble in my shoe. 323 00:14:53,943 --> 00:14:55,109 Nice work, Bri. 324 00:14:55,178 --> 00:14:58,663 Whoops. Well, at least Joe gets to be a cyborg. 325 00:15:06,222 --> 00:15:09,273 Freeze, Frogmire. You are out past curfew, 326 00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:12,343 and therefore, in violation of local ordinance. 327 00:15:12,411 --> 00:15:13,411 Ribbity. 328 00:15:21,721 --> 00:15:24,783 What the hell happened? Could I really have caused all this? 329 00:15:24,807 --> 00:15:27,909 It says here that the new American civil war you set into motion 330 00:15:27,977 --> 00:15:30,422 ended up in a series of concentrated nuclear strikes 331 00:15:30,446 --> 00:15:32,312 all along the Eastern seaboard. 332 00:15:32,381 --> 00:15:33,914 It killed 17 million people. 333 00:15:33,983 --> 00:15:35,115 Oh. 334 00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:36,684 Including Cesar Millan. 335 00:15:36,752 --> 00:15:39,353 No! Okay, okay, I get it. Stewie, I screwed up. 336 00:15:39,422 --> 00:15:42,151 All right? I shouldn't have altered the past. Is there anything we can do? 337 00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:44,659 Well, the only way to fix this is to return to the moment 338 00:15:44,727 --> 00:15:46,407 when we first arrived in the past 339 00:15:46,462 --> 00:15:48,813 and stop you from spilling the beans about 9/11. 340 00:15:48,881 --> 00:15:50,081 Okay. Okay, let's do it. 341 00:15:56,773 --> 00:15:57,973 Whoa, ass ahoy. 342 00:15:58,041 --> 00:15:59,134 All right, look, there we are. 343 00:15:59,158 --> 00:16:00,452 Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 344 00:16:00,476 --> 00:16:01,720 and you've still got your pants on. 345 00:16:01,744 --> 00:16:02,821 What's the occasion? 346 00:16:02,845 --> 00:16:04,723 Stop! Both of you! What the hell? 347 00:16:04,747 --> 00:16:06,692 Who are you? We're you, from the future. 348 00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:09,400 Oh, boy, this can't be good news. Who screwed up? 349 00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:10,668 Take a wild guess. 350 00:16:10,736 --> 00:16:12,330 What did I do? Well, nothing yet, but listen. 351 00:16:12,354 --> 00:16:14,255 Whatever you do, you cannot tell 352 00:16:14,324 --> 00:16:16,757 your former self, that Brian, about 9/11. 353 00:16:16,826 --> 00:16:19,459 If you do, America as you know it will cease to exist. 354 00:16:19,545 --> 00:16:21,239 My God, Brian. What the hell? 355 00:16:21,263 --> 00:16:24,026 We've been here two minutes, and already you've destroyed America. 356 00:16:24,050 --> 00:16:25,970 I wasn't going to tell myself about 9/11. 357 00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:28,113 That's a lie. You had the idea a couple of seconds ago, 358 00:16:28,137 --> 00:16:29,315 and you were so excited about it 359 00:16:29,339 --> 00:16:31,059 that your tail is still wagging. 360 00:16:31,841 --> 00:16:33,761 Okay, okay. I promise I won't say anything. 361 00:16:33,793 --> 00:16:36,077 Also, if you don't give that Stewie 362 00:16:36,145 --> 00:16:38,396 a back rub, it really messes everything up. 363 00:16:41,016 --> 00:16:42,216 All right, can we go now? 364 00:16:48,190 --> 00:16:50,230 Did that do it? Did we restore the past? 365 00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:51,259 Well, let's check. 366 00:16:51,978 --> 00:16:54,444 9/11. 367 00:16:54,513 --> 00:16:56,413 Oh, there it is. We did it, Brian. 368 00:16:56,482 --> 00:16:58,332 We made 9/11 happen. High five! 369 00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:00,367 All right! High five! Yeah! 370 00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:03,354 Wow, that... That probably wouldn't look very good out of context. 371 00:17:03,423 --> 00:17:06,106 There's the writer of the Harry Potter series. 372 00:17:06,175 --> 00:17:08,643 Must be weird hanging out with us Muggles, huh, Brian? 373 00:17:09,111 --> 00:17:10,177 Yeah. 374 00:17:10,246 --> 00:17:13,013 Well, laundrium insertum. Huh? 375 00:17:13,082 --> 00:17:16,049 Oh, my God. All right, you obviously have no self-control, 376 00:17:16,118 --> 00:17:17,838 so we've got to go back and do this again. 377 00:17:20,906 --> 00:17:22,785 Whoa, ass ahoy. All right, let's go. 378 00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:24,202 Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 379 00:17:24,226 --> 00:17:25,588 and you've still got your pants on. 380 00:17:25,612 --> 00:17:27,561 Oh, yeah, that's right. We were just here. 381 00:17:27,630 --> 00:17:29,080 - Wait! - Wait! 382 00:17:29,132 --> 00:17:31,076 Who the devil are you? We're from the future. 383 00:17:31,100 --> 00:17:33,078 So are we. We're from the further future. 384 00:17:33,102 --> 00:17:34,613 We came to stop you. Why? 385 00:17:34,637 --> 00:17:37,321 What they did actually turns out to be damage-free. 386 00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:40,875 It's what you're about to do, stopping them, that causes utter bedlam. 387 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,894 Oh, come on. 388 00:17:42,962 --> 00:17:45,629 Wait! Stop! We're from the further-further future. 389 00:17:45,698 --> 00:17:47,809 What you guys do eventually works out. 390 00:17:47,833 --> 00:17:50,762 It's what you two are about to do that ruins everything! 391 00:17:50,786 --> 00:17:51,847 Stop! Don't do anything! 392 00:17:51,871 --> 00:17:53,171 Oh, for God's sake. 393 00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:55,351 We're from the further-further-further future. 394 00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:56,774 What these two do is fine. 395 00:17:56,842 --> 00:17:58,922 It's what you two do that makes things worse. 396 00:17:59,362 --> 00:18:00,456 Stop! Wait! 397 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:01,523 Hold it! Stop! 398 00:18:01,547 --> 00:18:02,591 Wait! No! 399 00:18:02,615 --> 00:18:04,164 Hold it! Stop! 400 00:18:04,233 --> 00:18:05,794 I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm just looking for the can. 401 00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:07,062 Don't move! Hold it! 402 00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:08,113 Freeze! Stop! 403 00:18:08,137 --> 00:18:09,186 Wait! No! 404 00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:11,335 Oh, for God's sake, why? This is why! 405 00:18:11,991 --> 00:18:13,319 Don't move! Hold it! 406 00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:14,419 Freeze! Stop! 407 00:18:14,443 --> 00:18:15,963 No! Wait! 408 00:18:16,245 --> 00:18:17,878 Oh, my God. What's that? 409 00:18:17,947 --> 00:18:20,848 I don't know what happened. This is life for some reason. 410 00:18:20,917 --> 00:18:23,094 Don't do whatever you're about to do. 411 00:18:23,118 --> 00:18:25,586 God help us. This is no way to live. 412 00:18:42,021 --> 00:18:44,261 All right, everybody, shut the hell up! 413 00:18:45,491 --> 00:18:47,374 All right, this is bullshit, all right? 414 00:18:47,443 --> 00:18:49,221 I can't follow what's going on anymore, 415 00:18:49,245 --> 00:18:51,223 and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either. 416 00:18:51,247 --> 00:18:53,480 So let's make this easy and take a vote. 417 00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:56,909 How many think we should prevent 9/11? Raise your hands. 418 00:18:57,587 --> 00:18:59,348 Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine... 419 00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:01,150 Okay, all right, looks like 42. 420 00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:03,094 All right, who votes yes, 9/11? 421 00:19:06,929 --> 00:19:09,347 Okay, all right, 57. All right, 9/11 wins. 422 00:19:09,415 --> 00:19:10,876 Wait, wait, shouldn't it be an even number? 423 00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:12,411 Why is the total an odd number? 424 00:19:12,435 --> 00:19:14,312 Oh, yeah, I think one of the Brians died. 425 00:19:14,336 --> 00:19:15,886 What? What do you mean? 426 00:19:15,938 --> 00:19:17,816 I don't know. One of them landed here with its throat slit. 427 00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:19,351 But wait, if one of me is dead, 428 00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:20,991 then shouldn't all the mes be dead? 429 00:19:21,060 --> 00:19:24,473 Brian, I don't... I... It's... I don't... I don't know anymore. I... 430 00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:26,157 You know what? I guess not. All right? 431 00:19:26,181 --> 00:19:28,110 Okay, listen up. Everybody, get back 432 00:19:28,134 --> 00:19:29,545 in your individual time machines 433 00:19:29,569 --> 00:19:30,868 very carefully. 434 00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:33,315 Nobody touch anything. No Harry Potter novels. 435 00:19:33,339 --> 00:19:36,619 Don't step on a bug. Don't give earlier yous investment advice. 436 00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:39,636 Just go back to where you came from, and stay there! 437 00:19:58,414 --> 00:20:00,063 There. 438 00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:02,310 Now, we're going to do what we should have done in the first place. 439 00:20:02,334 --> 00:20:03,334 Get on. 440 00:20:07,924 --> 00:20:09,651 Wait a minute. Isn't this where we just were? 441 00:20:09,675 --> 00:20:11,853 Where are the other two us's? They're not here yet. 442 00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:14,361 Just to make sure there are absolutely no loose ends, 443 00:20:14,429 --> 00:20:16,041 I've sent us back in time to the moment 444 00:20:16,065 --> 00:20:18,331 just before you and I originally arrived. 445 00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:20,284 Why? You'll see. 446 00:20:20,353 --> 00:20:22,664 Get the fuck back in your time machine! Ahhh! 447 00:20:22,688 --> 00:20:24,349 Who are you? Never mind who I am! 448 00:20:24,373 --> 00:20:26,017 Just get back in your time machine, 449 00:20:26,041 --> 00:20:28,001 get back to the present, and stay there! 450 00:20:28,027 --> 00:20:29,844 Look, just calm down. Ahhh! 451 00:20:29,912 --> 00:20:31,857 You gonna flap your lips or you gonna do what I said? 452 00:20:31,881 --> 00:20:33,497 Okay, okay! All right! God! 453 00:20:35,451 --> 00:20:37,763 You just talked to yourself. Won't that alter the past? 454 00:20:37,787 --> 00:20:41,322 Don't worry, Brian. If I was successful in restoring the past just now, 455 00:20:41,390 --> 00:20:43,190 you and I will never have existed. 456 00:20:43,258 --> 00:20:45,992 The chronological tangent that created us will have been erased. 457 00:20:46,061 --> 00:20:47,861 Oh, is it going to hurt? 458 00:20:47,930 --> 00:20:49,330 Just a little. 459 00:20:50,098 --> 00:20:51,415 Ow. 460 00:20:58,574 --> 00:21:00,658 Oh, God, my leg is killing me. 461 00:21:00,727 --> 00:21:02,226 Well, time travel is risky. 462 00:21:02,294 --> 00:21:03,739 Every time you step into that machine, 463 00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:06,697 you invite the possibility of altering the world as we know it. 464 00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:08,777 Thankfully, the alternate versions of us were there 465 00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:11,614 to prevent us from doing whatever it is we apparently did. 466 00:21:11,638 --> 00:21:12,870 I wonder what it was. 467 00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:14,304 We'll never know. 468 00:21:14,373 --> 00:21:15,606 But look on the bright side. 469 00:21:15,675 --> 00:21:17,552 You might be sitting here with a hole in your leg, 470 00:21:17,576 --> 00:21:20,088 but at least our present universe hasn't been affected. 471 00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:21,672 Sorry, guys. I'm gonna need the couch. 472 00:21:21,730 --> 00:21:23,731 The gang and I are gonna watch the game. 473 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:26,384 All right, let's unplug the TV and get going.